Every WARHAMMER 40K FACTION REVIEWED by a NOOB pt2
Welcome Brothers and Sisters, I’m James, an average closet Warhammer Nerd who has been drawn back into the Warhammer Universe by a Slaaneshi Fiend (friend) I thought I had left the Grim Dark Future behind me in the late 90’s….but it looks like I am back. Join me on my journey back to social and tournament 40K gaming.
Right lets Goooo, Part 2 of this very wishy washy based on nothing but my hot takes NOOB review of the factions of Warhammer 40K.
Sisters of Battle aka Adepta Sororitas
Okay, lets get it out of the way early, these crazy psycho nuns are almost always portrayed in the artwork as total babes! Maybe with a scar on their face or a boggly eye but always a babe! I think we can all agree that this is………………….. highly realistic of course ;-) and very much what I’d imagine all fanatical zealots of the Sororitas to look like in a Grimdark future, Praise The Emperor lol
SORITAS
Why are they always so ugly?
Now you’ve had a minute or so to get those Dominatrix images out of your filthy little minds!! What do I think of them as a faction in the game. Well the lore is kinda cool, it fits the crazy Grimdark world of religious not religious beliefs in the Imperium. Their belief and faith are so powerful that they can make miracles happen and they are all around badasses in battle. The miniatures are cool and they have a nice mix of infantry and vehicles. They have an awesome dark, gothic aesthetic and some particularly cool sculpts like the Arco flagellants and Penitent engines. (some of you should be flagellating if you are still picturing those Sororitas babes!)
REPENT
okay, just one more image was needed…
Anyway… in game they have, what is to me at least, the silly miracle dice mechanic. Sure they cant be as strong or have weapons better than space marines but balance the army in a better way. Make them really good leadership, make them cheaper points per model, so you just have greater numbers and weight in bolter rounds. I’m not a game designer, the magic dice thing, just doesn’t feel good to me.
I want to like these ladies and not in an Emperors children kind of way but the miracle dice thing just bugs me I’m afraid Sisters.
Rating 7/10
Adeptus Custodes
You know that scene in Conan the Barbarian where they sneak into Thulsa Doom’s mountain of power and they find the oiled up body builders having an orgy with loads of hot women whilst eating human stew……thats how I picture the Custodes spending their days!! The noble guardians of the Emperor thing is just a front lol
CUSTODES
Sorry superman - 4/10 from me.
Its probably because I’m English and we love an underdog but the perfect persona of the Custodes just makes me want to kick them in the Kahuna’s. I do like the lore of how mega killy they are in combat and the image of a single Custodes cutting through a whole unit of Astartes with ease is cool I guess.
The miniatures…meh, they leave me cold I’m afraid, I’m not sure why, they just feel a bit chunky but clunky, I know the armour is lore accurate but meh.
In game again they are just a bit too elite, you don’t get many units, there isn’t a lot of variety and tactically to me they seem a bit bland. We tough, we smash, we walk at you, now we smash now we roll 4+ invulns.
Superman also plays Custodes, just my view but the guy is a turkey.
Rating 4/10
NECRONS
NECRONS
Space mummies
God damn Necrons!! soulless robotic nightmares creeping about the galaxy. The former overlords of all they surveyed now awoken after aeons of sleep trying to regain their spot as top dogs. I like the idea of the lore but I don’t love it, maybe I have too much soul left myself to be able to like these relentless robots. In game they have a very static slow style, gradually applying pressure with difficult to kill units and bloody annoying reanimating units (Damn you wraiths!!). I want to be excited and feel involved with how my little toy soldiers are going to go to war!! and with Necrons, they just don’t do that for me. Who was cheering for the freaking terminator…….NO ONE!! Kyle Reese is our main man
The miniatures again just don’t tickle my fancy, they do what they are supposed to do, feel cold and heartless with no character.
What I think I’m saying is, if you are a heartless soulless automaton then Necrons might be for you lol
Rating 3/10
Adeptus Mechanicus (Nerds)
Yes ok, my Warhammer nerd friends pointed out to me that all of Warhammer is nerdy. But c’mon, there are levels of nerdiness within 40K. Space Marines aren’t nerds, Orks aren’t nerds , Daemons aren’t nerds……The Mechanicus are Nerds!!! They are also just that bit too cold and heartless, they’re like Mr Spocks with no sense of humanity and a taste for some sick torture you won’t even find on the dark web!! If it means more knowledge they will sacrifice any life or corrupt and twist and torture any life. Yes I know Space Marines do terrible things….but not to the level of The Mechanicus!! I do like their lore surrounding their non religious, religious worship of the Omnissiah, and their relentless search for super tech from the golden age of humanity but those Arch Magos sickos aren’t my kinda guys and gals.
ADMECH
somehow - nerdier than your average faction.
They do have some cool looking miniatures, I love the tech priests and Mechanicus mini’s have that sort of feel to them. The mix of cyborgs and vehicles they have a really nice varied range and look cool on the table top.
However in game they seem a bit something and nothing, they do a bit of everything but nothing very well. They are just a bit Meh in general and I think thats why so few people play them.
Rating 5/10
ORKS……..WAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!!
Now this is more like it, ere we go lads. The pure embodiment of Warhammer and that includes every game system not just 40K. Orks are where it’s at. They are the crazy whacky fantastical and FUN bunch of lads that just want to war and have fun. Who would you want to go for a beer with….A fuck1ng Necron?? a Magos a fukin Custodes!!!! give me a break. You’d be clashing skulls and going for an all night bender with your Ork mate for sure.
ORKS
Maybe the only faction that enjoys the grim darkness of the far future
Orks lore is just brilliant fun from start to finish, right from being created by the Old Ones to kick Necrons in the nuts, basically super evolved fungi who back aeons ago had Krorks, giant super powered smart Orks, more powerful than Primarks. Right through to now, their crazy looitng ways, building weapons out of scraps and all of their tech basically being powered by their overwhelming belief that it will work lol . Their whole inception is so whacky and fun that the designers at GW must have been munching some mushrooms at the time themselves!
Their miniature range is vast and they have some really really fantastic minis, the beast boyz the mechs the crazy vehicles. You could have an army which looked like an episode of whacky races, minus dick dastardly and mutley (insert mutley snigger) The Kustom boosta blasta and the Megatrakk scrapjet are sooo much fun. Get Ghazghkull Thraka leading your army, he’s a fantastik Orky centre piece and you’re all set for some serious Krumpin!!
The downside with Orks is that in game, they are wild and unpredictable and are usually not a very powerful army……(don’t mention dakka dakka dakka.) But I’m sure in the right hands these lads must be able to win games.
Overall I think Orks might not be the army people choose to collect and or play with, as they are tricky to paint and can be expensive as you need a lot of miniatures, they also aren’t easy to win with. BUT!!! everyone loves Orks, they look damn cool and they are everything Warhammer is supposed to be, either from a fun side of things or the lore.
If I ever moved away from the Imperial Fists, it would be to these crazy war loving lads. They aren’t on anyones side, they don’t have any sneaky agenda all they want is to just have fun whilst KRUMPIN YA ED IN!!
Rating WAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH 10/10
